First post and purpose
This is my first post here. I hope to spend some time talking about my knitting, spinning, herbalism, and gardening. We shall see how well I blog about things. It's a new endeavor for me to do this here. I have another blog that was all about being a mom. Well, I'm still a mom but I'm an empty nester so I feel things are going in a new direction.
Just a little over a month ago my mother died. She had had dementia for many years then had a stroke and lived another 20 days and died with me and Dad and two of her sisters there with her. Some folks couldn't make it up to see her or couldn't actually see her die so they stayed away until it was over. Some of us saw it first hand every single day. It's not that I'm morbid but no one needs to die alone unless that's what they want. She had dementia, so she was very child like and didn't want to be alone. My Dad was her ever present companion in life all the way to the end.
A little over a year ago, my Father-in-law died and he waited until me and my husband left to do so. He wanted to be left alone to die. We had been there just the hour before and he had been talking to us. He had a long battle with cancer (nearly 20 years) and only realized he was terminal 4 days before he died. He was told that he was before but I don't think he accepted it until then. I had driven him to the doctor that Thursday and they asked him if he wanted them to recommend hospice. He said "Well I didn't think I was that bad off" to which hi doctor said "well there's nothing left for us to do and the VA sent over your records and they have nothing left to do either from back in February (It was then August)." He seemed shocked like this was the first time he had hear this. It wasn't. I was with him in the month before when the VA doctors told him there was nothing they could do for him but he just blew it off like they didn't know what they were talking about. This was news from his long time family doctor, so I guess it was a huge surprise to him that they also were not able to help him whatsoever. He decided to move out of our shared house into the nursing home on Friday. We went to see him and spend the days with him and he died Monday after we left to go home. He didn't seem to miss a beat- he was telling us where things were at home in his desk. He was ever so meticulous about things- after he passed it was incredibly easy to locate all the paperwork he left for us to file away. He left a small inheritance for all of his children- even his estranged son who had abandoned any chance of relationship with his Dad or really of anyone else- it was like pulling teeth to chase him down. He lives 10 minutes away from us. He took his inheritance and we haven't really heard from him since.
My mom wasn't organized. Never in my life would I have called her that. She was beautiful and chaotic and an earthy woman who didn't really take time for what would seem a traditional motherhood. She was somewhat of a strange feminist- no time for kids, but family was super important to her- she was into patriarchy- what my brother wanted he had all his life from her. He was the baby and her favorite and as her dementia progressed she told me so on several occasions- she had a wonderfully intelligent and talented son, but her daughter was lazy and good for nothing. That is me and my brother. She did the sports things with my dad and Brother but didn't see them as important for me. One time when she was trying to bond with me she wanted me to read "Pride and Prejudice" because she had like it as a young teenager. I was about 14. The only thing I got out of it was that I thought she was trying to get me to get married. I wasn't a big reader at all. Most of our conversations were her yelling at me to wake up because she was already late for work and if I didn't get up I couldn't get my baby brother up nor my dad and it ruined her day that I wasn't up already. In the evenings it was "did you set out the meat (from the freezer for supper)?" which almost always was a disappointment because I usually didn't. Most of what she said to me was in the form of orders and commands. Not until I was a mother did we have "the talk" and even then it was awkward. For years whenever we talked on the phone she was telling me of accomplishments of my baby brother (nearly 6 years my junior) and my trying to convey accomplishments of my own or my children's. She never really heard me I felt. She did come to love my children intesely. She did things with them she never did with me. She talked to them about things- how the were doing and how they felt about things in the world. She never barked orders at them at all. She just enjoyed their time. She forgot them once and left them when they were 3 and 6 and she was supposed to be babysitting while my husband and I were out. While it seemed like nothing happened, for years to come my kids were afraid of being left behind by any adult. It had some lasting effects. I was so angry at the time but really I think it was the dementia starting to show up in her. Our relationship was mostly business like. But there was a time when she pointed out things to me- showed me secrets in nature- that were not obvious unless you knew what you were looking for. It was like she was some fairy from beyond the realm of humanity and always knew what to look for that only she could see. She could make things grow that didn't make sense to actually still be growing. I once saw her take a stick- A STICK! and put it in some dirt and she grew a bush out of it! When it came to gardening she always had the biggest and the best. I remember times when our area had drought and she prayed an it would rain on our garden and it did on only ours. Then the clouds would be gone. We never suffered for food when she had a hand in it. Dad was the same way- he hunted and fished and gardened and they both seemed to have this magic about them that always provided for us kids when there was no money. She was aloof and hard to get to know for me. I think I must have been the only human in the family because I felt disconnected from the three of them - they were/ are people of the earth and I'm just not. I have struggled to grow anything or connect with animals the way they all have. It's not natural to me like it has been for them. My mother was an enigma but so very wonderful. It was hard to be a dull mud monkey in the presence of someone so above me and see the brilliance of her mind and ways. The same goes for my Dad and brother. They are incredible and I don't think they even know it.
So here I am- a spinner and knitter and herbalist and hopeful gardener- struggling to get things to work for me that are all natural. And here is where I chronicle all of it. I hope you enjoy reading what I have to say. My purpose is to record it all.
Just a little over a month ago my mother died. She had had dementia for many years then had a stroke and lived another 20 days and died with me and Dad and two of her sisters there with her. Some folks couldn't make it up to see her or couldn't actually see her die so they stayed away until it was over. Some of us saw it first hand every single day. It's not that I'm morbid but no one needs to die alone unless that's what they want. She had dementia, so she was very child like and didn't want to be alone. My Dad was her ever present companion in life all the way to the end.
A little over a year ago, my Father-in-law died and he waited until me and my husband left to do so. He wanted to be left alone to die. We had been there just the hour before and he had been talking to us. He had a long battle with cancer (nearly 20 years) and only realized he was terminal 4 days before he died. He was told that he was before but I don't think he accepted it until then. I had driven him to the doctor that Thursday and they asked him if he wanted them to recommend hospice. He said "Well I didn't think I was that bad off" to which hi doctor said "well there's nothing left for us to do and the VA sent over your records and they have nothing left to do either from back in February (It was then August)." He seemed shocked like this was the first time he had hear this. It wasn't. I was with him in the month before when the VA doctors told him there was nothing they could do for him but he just blew it off like they didn't know what they were talking about. This was news from his long time family doctor, so I guess it was a huge surprise to him that they also were not able to help him whatsoever. He decided to move out of our shared house into the nursing home on Friday. We went to see him and spend the days with him and he died Monday after we left to go home. He didn't seem to miss a beat- he was telling us where things were at home in his desk. He was ever so meticulous about things- after he passed it was incredibly easy to locate all the paperwork he left for us to file away. He left a small inheritance for all of his children- even his estranged son who had abandoned any chance of relationship with his Dad or really of anyone else- it was like pulling teeth to chase him down. He lives 10 minutes away from us. He took his inheritance and we haven't really heard from him since.
My mom wasn't organized. Never in my life would I have called her that. She was beautiful and chaotic and an earthy woman who didn't really take time for what would seem a traditional motherhood. She was somewhat of a strange feminist- no time for kids, but family was super important to her- she was into patriarchy- what my brother wanted he had all his life from her. He was the baby and her favorite and as her dementia progressed she told me so on several occasions- she had a wonderfully intelligent and talented son, but her daughter was lazy and good for nothing. That is me and my brother. She did the sports things with my dad and Brother but didn't see them as important for me. One time when she was trying to bond with me she wanted me to read "Pride and Prejudice" because she had like it as a young teenager. I was about 14. The only thing I got out of it was that I thought she was trying to get me to get married. I wasn't a big reader at all. Most of our conversations were her yelling at me to wake up because she was already late for work and if I didn't get up I couldn't get my baby brother up nor my dad and it ruined her day that I wasn't up already. In the evenings it was "did you set out the meat (from the freezer for supper)?" which almost always was a disappointment because I usually didn't. Most of what she said to me was in the form of orders and commands. Not until I was a mother did we have "the talk" and even then it was awkward. For years whenever we talked on the phone she was telling me of accomplishments of my baby brother (nearly 6 years my junior) and my trying to convey accomplishments of my own or my children's. She never really heard me I felt. She did come to love my children intesely. She did things with them she never did with me. She talked to them about things- how the were doing and how they felt about things in the world. She never barked orders at them at all. She just enjoyed their time. She forgot them once and left them when they were 3 and 6 and she was supposed to be babysitting while my husband and I were out. While it seemed like nothing happened, for years to come my kids were afraid of being left behind by any adult. It had some lasting effects. I was so angry at the time but really I think it was the dementia starting to show up in her. Our relationship was mostly business like. But there was a time when she pointed out things to me- showed me secrets in nature- that were not obvious unless you knew what you were looking for. It was like she was some fairy from beyond the realm of humanity and always knew what to look for that only she could see. She could make things grow that didn't make sense to actually still be growing. I once saw her take a stick- A STICK! and put it in some dirt and she grew a bush out of it! When it came to gardening she always had the biggest and the best. I remember times when our area had drought and she prayed an it would rain on our garden and it did on only ours. Then the clouds would be gone. We never suffered for food when she had a hand in it. Dad was the same way- he hunted and fished and gardened and they both seemed to have this magic about them that always provided for us kids when there was no money. She was aloof and hard to get to know for me. I think I must have been the only human in the family because I felt disconnected from the three of them - they were/ are people of the earth and I'm just not. I have struggled to grow anything or connect with animals the way they all have. It's not natural to me like it has been for them. My mother was an enigma but so very wonderful. It was hard to be a dull mud monkey in the presence of someone so above me and see the brilliance of her mind and ways. The same goes for my Dad and brother. They are incredible and I don't think they even know it.
So here I am- a spinner and knitter and herbalist and hopeful gardener- struggling to get things to work for me that are all natural. And here is where I chronicle all of it. I hope you enjoy reading what I have to say. My purpose is to record it all.
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