Some thoughts

This part was written on August 12, 2023

Lately I've been thinking about what it is I do and how it is I worship YHWH. Sometimes, I feel so busy with the things of life that I don't consider Him at all through the day. 

I dread to think what that must be like from His perspective: What if I was ignored all day long because my husband was too busy? What if it was frequently? What if I found he hadn't communicated with me at all, and none of it was dire busy-ness but instead just the day to day things, and even a little selfish alone time to just do nothing, but also not talk to me? I would feel neglected. I am glad YHWH knows my humanness and my ignorance and my selfishness. I'm glad He knows that my mind wanders to laundry and groceries and menus when I should be thinking of other things. 

I hate that I do that though. 

All of the living of life takes wisdom to do correctly- the way HE would have me do. And it takes wisdom to know when to slow myself down from the day to day things to spend time with Him. I'm really in a stage of life where you'd think I was able to relish the time to pray and read scripture and grow wise. But I'm so distracted sometimes, and it's not anything that couldn't wait. 

Today: April 27, 2024

Things have changed since I originally had this thought. Many things.  

I've spent more time in the Word for one. Last year I read through the Bible chronologically and this year so far I'm reading Psalms and Proverbs. It's much slower and gives me more time to think about what I've read and take it to heart. I wake up and get my morning work done and then get to spend time reading the Word!

I've spent less time with family of all things. I had no idea really but I now think that I was distracted from spending time with YHWH due to spending time with others. I know that sounds contrary but it's really true. It's so easy to talk ABOUT Him with others but not talk TO Him and certainly not listen. But without the close familial relationships being so consuming for me, I have that time. 

I spend so much more time at home alone these days with less entertainment. I'm still on social media but it doesn't seem to hold my attention like it used to. I periodically delete accounts and leave for many months. That's a nice break from the stress of the world for sure, but it's also cutting myself off from other people who otherwise I wouldn't know anything about. Many friends and family only communicate via social media these days. While it seems like we are closer, I think it makes us further apart really. There's less intention for real communication if we can just update our status in general and not think about the personal relationships that take time and effort. I think that is a sad testament to the time we live in. It certainly makes me feel less connected to people. It's about as personal as reading an ad in the newspaper. But the time without connections gives me time to make the most important of connections. Over many years I have neglected the first and greatest command to do the second one! 

I am truly at a time of life that is perfect for time in prayer and study of scripture. I see so many other people who are in similar life stages - no kids at home, not many responsibilities other than just their day to day living, etc... but not taking advantage of where we are in our time. And time is so short really! Who knows when our ends will come? Why waste it waiting for something to come entertain us? For something to do? Wishing for "the good old days" and the like? These are the good days, as long as we are alive, to worship YHWH in Yeshua! 

As I've spent these months in scripture and prayer, busying myself with what is at hand, and rather than looking for things to do that are worthwhile, YHWH has brought me things I would not have considered if I was looking for them. He's given me tasks that - some seem like they may be unimportant and frivolous- but they are important to Him as He has brought them to me where I'm at. The very things we think we will be doing- the things we prepare for- aren't necessarily the things He has in store for us! But yes, He also does use the things we prepared for and practiced but in a different way than we thought. I've seen that the things I took for granted, and even maybe felt a little guilty for doing (though they weren't bad things in and of themselves) are actually things He is using for His own glory and in His own way rather than mine. 

I wouldn't have seen all of that if I hadn't slowed down and just let it be. Some of it was forced upon me. I suppose I'm somewhat like Jonah in that way. I don't want to be- I'd rather be receptive and discerning but I don't always see in the midst of a thing what it is. And as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Well, only if I really examine the past and give up any preconceived ideas. Wisdom won't hold on to what I think, but will see things for what they are, and will most certainly trust YHWH to bring whatever He will for His glory and my own good. 

I don't know where all this was going, but just some thoughts. I hope I can see that I can be nestled in where it's safe and good for me. I hope I can not try any longer to figure it all out but can just have peace and trust the One who has it all worked out, no matter what the circumstances. I certainly don't want to start to sink because I see the wind and waves like Peter when I could be walking on the water to my Master.