Maiden, Mother, Crone

This was written years ago in winter 2020-2021

I was thinking of my Mama this morning and how she was exhausted and mean and just not with it often. Her thinking was foggy, she fell asleep on the couch more often than not in the afternoons, she was embarrassed about her weepiness because she thought it a sign of weakness, and she gained weight then lost weight over the years, but it was more like ballooning up and shrinking down in a short amount of time. Her blood pressure suddenly skyrocketed and her doctor gave her prostate medicine because he was an absolute idiot, so she had out of control bp for a decade or more and was being poisoned by a drug that likely did damage to her brain and other organs. Her sisters would not have any such things happen to them for years and when they did they weren’t unnecessarily drugged, and because they were still intact their hormones leveled out normally after menopause. Grandmother would not have talked about it either because she just wasn’t the kind of person who would talk about such things. They were a tight lipped generation. I think my mom’s heart attack and subsequent stroke were a result of her uncontrolled blood pressure that just went on and on and her dementia also stemmed from that along with an unnatural lack of hormones at such an early age. You know how I have told you that Meme was like an elf? She was a great teacher of things outside and when we were out there she was a different person? That was my childhood with her- it was more normal, fantastic, full of wonders that she brought for us kids to see. It’s the reason Pappy was madly in love with her. And her change was sudden after Alex came along. I guess he might have been 2 when she had the surgery. He never really knew her any other way but I had. I might have been 8 when things changed and it seemed like it was overnight. I realize this is part of her as well, but I don’t think she could help what happened to her- I don’t think she was aware of the massive hormonal deficiencies she was dealing with and certainly doctors wouldn’t have known (or know now). I think she felt alone and betrayed and that something was terribly wrong with her. And I think she thought the thing wrong was being a woman. I’m sure she had memories of her own elderwomen having meltdowns and not understanding them from a childish perspective. Maybe she even laughed at crazy aunt so and so. But then it hit her too, and much younger than crazy aunt so and so. And so, she took it out on me. Alex was the only one who just loved her unconditionally because he was not expecting her to have ever been different. Over time, Pappy also just accepted that was how she was and he protected her fiercely. I expected her to be my mama, the one I had had in the years before puberty who, honestly I could trust to love me too. But she had changed and she seemed to want no part of wonderful girlhood. I even remember her GI distress when it first seemed to hit, along with anxiety. We had been fishing and she really had to use the bathroom so she took me and Alex with her as the excuse, because pooping was embarrassing. So she basically blew up the toilet and then it wouldn’t flush. It was a single stall in Hardee’s in Blowing Rock, and there was a line of other women waiting. We walked out of there and she was so very embarrassed. Of course we kids laughed and teased because poop was funny to us. She was humiliated. She became anxious about it. Years later it became she couldn’t keep food down because she worried about Alex in Afghanistan. And the answer given to her by doctors were always more heart and brain damaging drugs. I really should have seen it sooner, but no one ever does.  Maidens always laugh at the Mothers and Crones until they become them. And the transition is hard. But mom didn’t get transition time. She was thrown into the deep end without knowing how to swim or even a life jacket. Be gentle with other women. Our bodies betray us and make us do and think unspeakable things. We are slaves to our wombs and it is inevitable. Even women who are maidens and mothers are!

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